Bilateral Man

I received my first cochlear implant in 1995. I think a lot of people were surprised. Throughout my ALDA "career" I had tried to convey that being deafened is okay, despite the functional difficulties and psychological wham-bam that losing one's hearing as an adult comprise. Getting an implant seemed a change in course.

But there is nothing sinful about hearing sounds or words (oh, sweet Jesus...). Over the years, I'd watched people with old and with new CI technology come to ALDAcon. I noticed that the folks with the newer CI models generally did a lot less bluffing (as determined by my hearing wife) than those with the older devices. This suggested, as was actually widely known to be the case, that CI technology had improved.

So why the heck not get an implant? I'd learned to live and be content as a deafened person (with a big assist from ALDA) but, just like other deafened adults, I still hated being deaf. You think I didn't want to hear the ice cream truck come jingling down the street? I love ice cream. Even on cold days.

The implant was pretty cool. After a while, I could hear my wife laugh, recognize geese honking, and hear a person behind me on the train platform say: "What the hell is THAT?" (That's me, buddy; ain't you ever seen a big long cable with a magnet on the side of a head before?) And I can hear people on the phone if they speak English slowly or are my wife. Other calls can make me crazy and as aggravated as I ever was as a deaf-deaf person; maybe worse since I didn't try to use the phone as a deaf-deaf person. I need a self-help group for CI people who use telephones badly.

But the implant has been a great enabler. I'm not sure I could have managed 10 people at Microsoft so seamlessly without it. I'll never be one of those deafened-people-can-do-anything guys. I can't hear nearly as well as I once did, for example, even with the CI. And in my brain, that limits me. Other late-deafened people have better brains, of course, so I can only speak for myself.

I'm not being negative here, just honest. And I can also honestly say that in my family life, the CI has been indispensable...no, precious. Karina and I started our family after I got the CI. I heard my babies cry, heard their first words, heard them call "Daddy" hundreds of times, and also heard them whine, heard them be stubborn, and heard them get angry and slam doors. But I heard them, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Which is not to say family communication is perfect at the Graham's. Don't make me laugh. I don't hear my kids well in a wide variety of situations, such as at crowded school events or recreational activities or even around the dinner table. And my kids sometimes gravitate toward my wife because it can be less frustrating to communicate with her in a hurry. Frankly, I would too. It's easy to say: "You can fix that, Bill, if you're more assertive about your needs." And I agree that Yes, I can, but I also know that life sometimes gets in the way of Yes, I can. There's a lot going on.

In December I received a second CI. I was ambivalent all along: another operation, another device dangling from my head, another period of uncertainty about its benefits. I decided to go for it because the technology had again improved, because my insurance covered it, and because there was a fair chance that bilateral implants would help me deal better with background noise, my exasperating Achilles' heel. I didn't pretend to think that my medley of deaf-deaf moments would suddenly disappear. But ultimately I told myself I had nothing to lose.

I've had the second implant for five months now. I have not made much progress with it yet, but I'm not particularly upset (EXCEPT THAT I THOUGHT I'D DO BETTER!). I figure that I'll eventually get to wherever I'm going with it and, outside of practicing with it singly, listening to bad audio books, and remapping, I don't have much control over what happens. I'm centered somewhat by the knowledge that the deaf-deaf side of me will cope okay whatever happens. I think ALDA has helped me a lot in that regard. But if my first CI goes down and I can't hear the ice cream truck anymore, I'm heading for a bridge.